some days...

 

Some days are chipped nail polish. Half-empty mugs of coffee. Eight hours of watching cop dramas on Hulu. It’s not having answers to life’s biggest questions in the blank canvas of the months I’ve recently found myself in. It’s piles of books that have yet to be read and others filled with wisdom already flipped through, and yet to be shared. It’s days on the couch, trying to work through projects and filling out applications, on yet another random Tuesday.

 

Other times, it’s randomly bursting into tears because the weight of it all is too much. Or just trying to find enough energy to get out of bed in the first place. Sometimes it’s sleeping through a doctor’s appointment because I just kept hitting ‘snooze’ on the alarm, only to realize I’d overslept.

 

Four months later, I find myself here. In a similar place I was in February, yet so much has moved on since then.

 

It’s a drive to Target just to get out of the apartment for the first time in days. It’s staying up late because I have no reason not to anymore. No real reason to get up early in the morning with a clearly labeled agenda. It’s staring up at the moon and imagining how it would look if things were different, how they’d be if I’d turned down the opportunity or said ‘yes’ to something else. It’s dreaming up what’s to come, although it feels at a standstill now. It’s adding things in my Amazon cart, only to hit ‘save item for later’ because I know I shouldn’t be spending any money.

 

It's spontaneous trips and lunches with friends or ice cream dates, because I needed to get away or talk to someone. I wanted to escape. It’s letting the roar of the waves drown out the noise in my mind or coffee with a friend to word vomit about everything going on in my mind.

 

It's long prayers and running on fumes and encouraging texts from friends. It’s laying down at night with a heating pad over my eyes, hoping the next morning that the sun will rise again, and all will eventually be right again, even if I don’t know of the plan and what’s ahead of me.

 

Some days are just like that until they get good again.